Archive for the ‘weight gain’ Category

Day Two, Done and Dusted

I can’t say I did my best on day 2.  I did  a lot snacking and not enough water. I filled up my 32oz water bottle in the morning and swore to myself that I was going to fill it up 2-3 more times and didn’t even finish one. Not good. But this realization was worse:  I tried on some capris to see if I could wear them and they didn’t fit! I used to wear these pants last year to work and now I can’t even button them! To say I was horrified is an understatement. Instead of donating them to the thrift store I decided to keep them as a barometer of my weigh loss. I hope to be able to wear them to work in the fall. My goal is to try to ignore the scale and instead focus on how things fit. If these pants fit in the fall I will be thrilled. Now for the photo. I am warning you in advance that this is very unattractive!! It’s horrifying, which in turn is incredibly motivating. So seriously, you have an out if you are squeamish and fat people disgust you. Turn off your computer now because trust me, this is no pretty site. Ok, here goes..

 

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Ok, sorry, I had the photos up for about an hour but they looked inappropriate so I took them down. But let’s just say my stomach and thighs are HUGE!! YUCK!! I was able to force them up over my fat thighs but closing them was not possible. So I am on a mission to get these pants to fit again before I return to work in the fall.

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… And Then..

I gained it all back.  😦

Okay, Maybe Not

I don’t know if I can post pictures. They are truely horrific! Here’s the deal: I have gained about ten pounds in two months. I am stressed! I am a single mom and I got fired. Well, that’s a bit dramatic. My contract didn’t get renewed. Yeah, okay that’s essentially the same thing. Come August I might not be able to pay the mortgage. Crazy thing? My supervisor wrote me an excellent letter of recommendation. Odd. Possible lawsuit because it clearly had nothing to do with my performance, but that’s another story. I only mention it because it was stressful and somehow along the way I learned that chocolate chip cookies alleviate stress! Bad, bad, bad.

But I digress. Here is the damage. Weight: 158! My highest weight of all time is only 2 pounds more! There is no way I am going over 160 so it’s time to crack down! And I mean really crack down.

So let’s recap:

1. I got fired.
2. I am three pounds away from being the fattest I have ever been
3. I have shitty savings/retirement and am on my way to being broke (as well as manless and fat)
4. I turn 50 in 15 months

This is not good. Not good at all.

Not Attractive!

Okay, this is a warning for the squeamish. Do not read further if you are disgusted or appalled by bodies that are less than perfect. Here’s the deal: I was lying on the couch feeling fat, full and bloated when I looked down at my stomach and I was really horrified.  It is truly disgusting and I’m only posting a photo because one day I know I will be posting an “after”.  But there is more than just a grossly fat stomach at play here. I have major joint pain; I can barely walk across the floor sometimes. I am exhausted – exhausted in as in falling into a coma mid-afternoon unable to do anything productive or fun. No. energy. at. all. This is no way to live! And I can’t take it so tomorrow I am trying again. Giving up wheat because I am convinced that the joint pain is an auto immune response and sugar because it is just plain bad for you and there is no reason to eat it. Period. End of story. No more excuses!

So here goes… Feast your eyes on this. Sorry. Yuck. Maybe public embarrassment will be motivating?

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(and what in the hell is that little piece on my right side?! Ew!)

So, tomorrow I am starting AGAIN! Eating clean and drinking tons of water. Really hope I can sustain it this time..

It’s All Up to Me

Man, I have been absolutely terrible about posting to this blog and sadly I have been even worse about working towards my goal of fierceness. I am anything but. I am tired and look like crap. I have been eating cookies and processed foods and drinking coffee and not exercising at all. Before I moved back home I was playing tennis three times a week and nearly everything I ate was homemade– overseas living made that so easy with a live-in cook and $10/hr for private lessons. But back in the US and having to rely on myself and my own motivation I have slid back into my old habits; old habits from two years ago. And the results of this new way of living is I feel disgusting. As I type this I can feel the fat on my stomach and thighs bulging. It’s really gross. I have clearly put on weight in the past three months. I am also a lot less patient with my child and at work. I have cried or lashed out when stressed and I know a lot of it has to do with eating junk, not working out and trying to manage my monumental stress alone. My family has tried to offer their support financially and through conversation and that has helped but I know the onus is on me to get it together. I have started praying and meditating with more regularity and I have started to go to church. I found a tenant for my basement apartment so I have more money coming in, but I need to do so much more!  I need to create an actual budget and stick to it. I need to make meal plans and stick to them. I need to set my alarm earlier and do some exercise. I need to be better with my time and spend less time on Facebook and playing Works with Friends. I need to say no when someone offers me a donut! Most of this is my fault and I have no one to blame but myself. Yes, moving overseas creates stress; yes, saying no to junk food takes willpower; yes, getting up early to work out bites; yes, sticking to a budget is no fun; yes, single parenting is hard; yes, being the sole breadwinner is scary… All of these things are true but I have to figure out how to get to my goal without using them as an excuse.

Starting Over

I woke up today feeling terrible! I have terrible back pain reminiscent of how it used to feel often in the past year. I used to blame the mattress but now I’m not so sure. I didn’t have any back pain when I was eating raw. None and now it’s back. It could be partly because I feel asleep in a sugar-induced coma on the floor last night after writing my blog post and transferred to my bed in the middle of the night sometime but it could also be due to the food. But let’s be real: Falling asleep in a massive sugar-induced heap on the floor isn’t a good look!

So let’s recap. Last night for dinner I had bread with olive oil and spices and I ate one of my friend’s grilled shrimp. Then I ate my salad which was Romaine, cherry tomatoes, croutons, cucumber and dressing. For dinner I ordered grilled salmon with a Creole mustard sauce and broccoli. The broccoli was boiled to death and was mushy and had no flavor. What a travesty to ruin a delightfully, vibrant vegetable like that! I couldn’t even force my daughter to eat that it was so bad. I had 1.5 glasses of Sauvignon Blanc with it and then a double scoop of ice-cream: cookies and cream and chocolate chip.

Could it have been any worse?! Dairy. Gluten. Alcohol. Sugar!!! Who knows what the culprit was but I am paying the price. I feel bloated and gross this morning and it’s been ten hours. Back pain, bloating, grogginess, achy joints, feeling tired–not well rested at all. Sure I enjoyed just eating whatever I wanted in the moment but this feeling is so not worth it. Really. I’m going to hit the Farmer’s Market today and load up on healing, delicious raw foods and I am going to swing by Bed, Bath and Beyond and get a citrus juicer.

And here’s one more thing that makes me so mad I ate like that last night: I had planned on taking my daughter on a hike this morning. It isn’t hot or raining and we  have the time. It’s a perfect Saturday to do this but I have no energy! I feel sick! I just want to lie here and do nothing. This is no way to live! What kind of role model am I to my daughter if I eat junk and lie like a slug on the floor on a Saturday morning? I want to be the active family who eats fresh foods and bounces out the door on the weekends to do active things. If that is to happen it is up to me.

Please send some good vibes out there to the Universe for me to get back in focus. I really really do want this.