Posts Tagged ‘dating’

Start. Restart. Restart AGAIN

This blog is really a sham. At least it will be if I don’t get my butt in gear. I started it almost a year ago though I am heavier and more out of shape than when I started! I know I have been full of excuses and reasons and retries and do-overs and berating myself and complaints— yes, I’ve done it all!! But here’s the thing.. considering my circumstances it’s not surprise. Really, I am not making another excuse. Okay, maybe in a way I am but I have a lot of shit going on and it’s very stressful and obviously when I stressed, I turn to food. So what am I stressed about exactly? Here’s the rundown..

1. My 50th (50th!!!) birthday is right around the corner. That alone is enough to send some people to hit the cookie jar.
2. I am still single. Never been married. So shocking. Really, I NEVER thought this would have happened in a million years. NEVER. It’s depressing.
3. My job won’t renew my contract. Long story but I did nothing wrong.
4. I am considering filing a law suit.
5. I have no family in the area.

These are starting to add up, right? Really, any one of these is enough to plunge someone into a depression.

6. I am a single mom. Yes, it was by choice (adoption) and yes I knew it would be hard (but not this hard).
7. My house is a mess. I am taking breaks from writing this blog post to do some cleaning here or there but with a young child here and no time or money.. well..
8. My savings and retirement are a mess.
9. I have no man and no time to date.
10. I am fat.
11. I am tired and have aches and pains and look like crap.

Am I depressing you yet?! LOL

12. I did the lottery to try to find a good school for my child next year and we didn’t get in anywhere good. I put one school on there that I never visited and we matched with that school. I went to enroll her after the acceptance, and well let’s just say there is no way in hell I would enroll her there. What does that mean? It means either we attend our neighborhood school which I am not a fan of, we get into one of our other choices off the waitlist or we move to a different neighborhood where the local school is better.
13. I have cellulite and melasma and grey hair and extremely dry skin. I’m purty. 😉
14. I have no time to be creative. Or exercise. Or date. I have no time for anything other than cooking, cleaning, working and parenting. That’s it.
15. My house has ants. In the bedroom! Wtf? Not in the kitchen where the food and water are but in my bedroom?! What in the world?!

I think that’s enough for now, I’m starting to depress myself! LOL. Actually, I go through waves. Right now I’m not feeling so despondent. I am actually feeling pretty positive for some odd reason (I’ll take it!) but you know that for some people just one or two of these would be enough to send them over the edge. The fact that I am still here and still kicking and still laughing about it and slowly checking things off my massive TO DO list speaks volumes about my strength and character, right?! Ha! That or I will officially break down any day now!

Anyway, enough feeling sorry for myself. I just wanted to share what’s causing such slow progress over here. The thing is, TOO BAD! Really, so what? People have gone through worse things and have carried on much better than I.

So… after I scarf down a few more of these cookies I am back to trying AGAIN tomorrow.

I wouldn’t be mad if you didn’t believe me. I’m not sure I believe myself.


Alrighty Then..

Yeah, that was a low moment. Rereading my last post is depressing. It’s all true, though today I don’t feel so down about my situation. I’m still huge and soon to be unemployed but I had a date last week and I have a date this week. Progress! And I just got my Visa bill in the mail and I honestly thought I owed around $12,000  (I pay online without looking at the bill) but it was only $3,064.40. Seriously, I had no idea. I was so excited I immediately logged on to the computer and paid an additional $1500 this month. OMG it’s nearly paid off; I am thrilled. So, I may not have a job come June but I also won’t have any consumer debt as my American Express already has a zero balance. Yeah!

Now the food thing is a different story. Well Lent has helped a lot! I am not eating sugar or red meat or drinking alcohol and that is definitely saving me calories. I am also on a fresh squeezed grapefruit kick which is filling and delicious as well as being low-calorie. I’m also fasting occasionally which is also helpful. I’m making very sloooooowww progress but it’s progress nonetheless.

Now if I can just get to the measurements and pictures..

Starting Over

I woke up today feeling terrible! I have terrible back pain reminiscent of how it used to feel often in the past year. I used to blame the mattress but now I’m not so sure. I didn’t have any back pain when I was eating raw. None and now it’s back. It could be partly because I feel asleep in a sugar-induced coma on the floor last night after writing my blog post and transferred to my bed in the middle of the night sometime but it could also be due to the food. But let’s be real: Falling asleep in a massive sugar-induced heap on the floor isn’t a good look!

So let’s recap. Last night for dinner I had bread with olive oil and spices and I ate one of my friend’s grilled shrimp. Then I ate my salad which was Romaine, cherry tomatoes, croutons, cucumber and dressing. For dinner I ordered grilled salmon with a Creole mustard sauce and broccoli. The broccoli was boiled to death and was mushy and had no flavor. What a travesty to ruin a delightfully, vibrant vegetable like that! I couldn’t even force my daughter to eat that it was so bad. I had 1.5 glasses of Sauvignon Blanc with it and then a double scoop of ice-cream: cookies and cream and chocolate chip.

Could it have been any worse?! Dairy. Gluten. Alcohol. Sugar!!! Who knows what the culprit was but I am paying the price. I feel bloated and gross this morning and it’s been ten hours. Back pain, bloating, grogginess, achy joints, feeling tired–not well rested at all. Sure I enjoyed just eating whatever I wanted in the moment but this feeling is so not worth it. Really. I’m going to hit the Farmer’s Market today and load up on healing, delicious raw foods and I am going to swing by Bed, Bath and Beyond and get a citrus juicer.

And here’s one more thing that makes me so mad I ate like that last night: I had planned on taking my daughter on a hike this morning. It isn’t hot or raining and we  have the time. It’s a perfect Saturday to do this but I have no energy! I feel sick! I just want to lie here and do nothing. This is no way to live! What kind of role model am I to my daughter if I eat junk and lie like a slug on the floor on a Saturday morning? I want to be the active family who eats fresh foods and bounces out the door on the weekends to do active things. If that is to happen it is up to me.

Please send some good vibes out there to the Universe for me to get back in focus. I really really do want this.

I Blame the Men

I didn’t eat raw yesterday. 😦  I know! It was only day 4 or 5 (I’m losing track) but it was because I had two dates!

Ok, let me go back. I started out the day fine. I had some fresh squeezed grapefruit and orange juice for breakfast and I didn’t eat lunch because I had no appetite. In fact my stomach was kind of bothering me. Later though I started feeling really light-headed and dizzy. This surprised me since I have never really reacted to not eating or had low blood sugar to my knowledge but I suspect that was what it was. I didn’t want to eat anything but around 3:00 I figured it might help so I ate one raw almond butter cacao truffle and some water and then my stomach really started hurting so by the time dinner rolled around I was dragging myself there. But I had to go. See I am on a dating website and I have been talking to this guy for about three months and we finally made a plan to meet last night. I wanted to postpone but I didn’t think that would be right so we met for dinner at a restaurant he chose. It was a good choice because I knew I could at least get a vegan meal even if it wasn’t raw. I ordered gazpacho with guacamole and olive oil, pan-fried tofu with quinoa and roasted vegetables and I had a cup of camomile tea with honey. (And one bite of his grilled salmon). It was tasty but if I were going to eat cooked food I would have preferred the crab cakes with grits or the grilled salmon with mashed potatoes. Man, just typing those meals has me hungry!!!

Anyway, we had a nice dinner but what I discovered was after dinner I had intense cravings for something sweet and suggested we get some ice cream. Luckily we couldn’t find it so we said our good-byes because he had a plane to catch and I hopped in my car to leave. Just then I got a phone call from a guy I used to date years ago whom I haven’t seen since I moved back into town and he suggested we hook up for a quick drink. He wanted to get margaritas but we nixed that (I would have caved at the chips and salsa) and thankfully went to another restaurant where I had one glass of Cabernet Sauvignon. So, there you have it. After my friend and I said good-bye I had to laugh. Why did the lyrics to that Notorious B.I.G song pop into my mind?

“Isn’t this great? Your flight leaves at eight.
Her flight lands at nine, my game just rewinds
Lyrically I’m supposed to represent
I’m not only a client, I’m the player President.”

Cracked me up.